I’m going to stop telling myself “I’m enough”.

“After this Jesus went away to the other side of the Sea of Galilee, which is the Sea of Tiberias. And a large crowd was following him, because they saw the signs that he was doing on the sick.  Jesus went up on the mountain, and there he sat down with his disciples. Now the Passover, the feast of the Jews, was at hand.  Lifting up his eyes, then, and seeing that a large crowd was coming toward him, Jesus said to Philip, “Where are we to buy bread, so that these people may eat?”  He said this to test him, for he himself knew what he would do.  Philip answered him, “Two hundred denarii worth of bread would not be enough for each of them to get a little.” One of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, said to him, “There is a boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish, but what are they for so many?” Jesus said, “Have the people sit down.” Now there was much grass in the place. So the men sat down, about five thousand in number.  Jesus then took the loaves, and when he had given thanks, he distributed them to those who were seated. So also the fish, as much as they wanted. And when they had eaten their fill, he told his disciples, “Gather up the leftover fragments, that nothing may be lost.” So they gathered them up and filled twelve baskets with fragments from the five barley loaves left by those who had eaten. When the people saw the sign that he had done, they said, “This is indeed the Prophet who is to come into the world!”
John 6:1-14

 

I’m constantly preaching to myself, and making sure I believe that I truly am enough. I am enough for my husband and for the ministry I’m in. I’m enough for my friends and for my family. Who I am is enough.

I’m starting to question that.  I’m wondering if allowing myself to believe who I am enough is not causing me more stress and anxiety.

If I am enough than I could do all the things I’m supposed to do.  I could fulfill all of my husband’s wants and needs. He would never need to do anything else because I am enough.
If I am enough my family would understand my love for them and know that I am always there for them even when I’m far away, because I am enough.
If I am enough than I would always know that my body is beautiful and I would never believe lies about myself, because I am enough.
If I am enough than I would always feel competent at my job and know that I’m making an impact because I am enough.

All of those things leave me dry because I’m trying so hard to be “enough.” I’m trying to live up to expectations that are unrealistic.

When Jesus feeds the five thousand they have five loaves of bread and two fish.  What does he do? He says “give me what you have”.  After everyone eats, all five thousand of them, they have leftovers.  They have more than enough, they are overflowing.

I am starting to realize that I was never meant to be enough.  Jesus is asking me to give him what I have and he will do the rest.  He is the one that is enough, not me. I can be the person Jesus has called me to be, but, it will never be able to fill the people around me because that is not my job.  My husband is supposed to fill himself by going to the Lord, my family is supposed to rely on the knowledge of Christ to get them through the day, my friends are supposed to trust the heavenly power of Jesus to bring them to redemption.  I am not the savior of the world, Jesus is.  I can work my hardest at my job, but at the end of the day I am not the one who carries the ministry, Jesus is.

I think it’s time for me to let go of being enough, maybe it’s time for you to let it go, too.  I’m ready to trust Jesus again, I’m ready to have twelve baskets full of leftovers from my fives loaves of bread.  I’m ready for Jesus to take the small amount of hope and joy and love that I have in me and multiply it to extend to thousands of people.  I think it’s okay if we let go, I think it’s okay if we disappoint people and say no sometimes, because we don’t have to fill everyone all the time.  We can just be and know that Jesus truly has fulfilled every desire inside of us. It is exhausting trying to always enough.

“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
John 14:6

I can let go of being enough, and know that I’m not and that is okay.

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When you think you hear, and you pretend to know what you’re doing.

My previous blog was about how I believed that staying here at home was better than going to Ireland.
I prayed fervently over that decision and I honestly still didn’t really know what the Lord was saying to me.
I eventually made the decision based on what I believed about each place and where I needed to be in this season of my life.
I was scared of making the wrong decision, but to be honest since the decision was made I haven’t really given it a second thought.  I went on living my life here fully engaged with the life flowing around me and the people loving next to me.
Of course, Ireland, being a pure love of mine was thought of often.  My friends there and the life being spread all over that place.  But the decision I made to stay seemed to really be the only real option, after awhile.

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I recently talked to my friend from Northern Ireland and asked him how everything in Encounter was going.
///Encounter being the main reason I would have gone to Ireland.////
He told me after this year they will no longer be taking anyone other than the staff of the church into the program.
So anyone outside of Ireland that applied was told they were not able to Join the Encounter program.
My heart stopped in that moment and I began to worship my God.
The verse about hearing and knowing your shepherds voice kept replaying over and over again in my head;

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But he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. To him the gatekeeper opens. The sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes before them, and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. A stranger they will not follow, but they will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of strangers.”
John 10:2-5

 

If I would have continued pursuing the idea of going to Ireland and joining the Encounter program, it wouldn’t have worked out.  I would have had to stay home in the long run anyways.
It’s actually hilarious how surprised I was that I made the right decision and Jesus actually was deeply rooted in that decision.
He knew exactly where I needed to be and who I needed to be with.

In the moments where I think I hear the Lord’s voice and I have to pretend to know what i’m doing I’m just going to remember that I know the character of my God.  I know his footsteps and where he wants me to go in the long run.
I know that he works everything for good. 

I am not alone in the decisions I make and I will not be left out to dry.
My God is good, and my heart is filled.

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One of the perks of staying was this man choosing to pursue me and love me like Jesus does.

 

His fullness is enough.

 
And from his fullness we have all received grace upon grace.  
For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. 
No one has ever seen God; the only God, who is at the Father’s side,
 he has made him known. 
-John 1:16-18
 
 
 
There is a common theme being taught to me over and over again, each time more in depth and more soul crushing, humbling, and amazing.  It has nothing to do with me, It has nothing to do with what I can achieve, or how I can justify myself. HIS FULLNESS is what makes me enough. His fullness is more than enough to cover every inch of my empty shell.  I never have to be afraid of being full because he is full for me. He is enough, so that means I am enough. 
 

ImageI had a small breakdown yesterday evening to where I just laid on my living room floor and cried.  I eventually called Hannah, and in-between ragged breaths asked her to pray for me.  My heart was tired and all I could do was lay there and cry.  All I wanted to do was lay there and cry because I was tired of fighting, I was exhausted because I was trying to be enough for people, I was trying to justify myself over and over again so they wouldn’t think I was wasting my time. 
“I don’t want to be here anymore.”
“I’m wasting my time.”
“I’m not doing anything.” 

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“God is not moody or capricious.
He knows no seasons of change.
He has a single relentless stance toward us: He loves us.”

-Brennan Manning


I keep getting the same questions since I’ve been home; and they have nothing to do with my trip. 
“So what are you doing now?”
“Are you working, are you going to school?”
I know these questions are asked out of good intent and curiosity, but each of their faces after I answer these questions are what haunt me.  
“I’m working with the youth at Lockwood.” 
“I’m not working or going to school right now.” 
As soon as I tell them I am currently not in school or working I’m out, they write me off and their faces show their disappointment in me, I am not being a productive member to society and I will never make it in life If i cannot support myself. 
The expectations they have for my life allow for lies to seep into any small crack in my armor. 
I’m not doing anything.”

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As I lay here this morning with no job to get to, and no classes to study for, I’m thankful. 
I’m thankful I have time to drench my soul in the word, constantly. 
I’m thankful I can sit and have lunch with my dad. 
I’m thankful I can take my sister out for bike rides, and for ice cream dates. 

I’m thankful I can go to the youth sleepover tonight because I dont have to wake up for work the next morning. 

I’m thankful that his calling is enough. 
Not even his calling, HIM. 
I’m so thankful that he and his fullness represent me. That I do not have to justify myself because He alone is my justification. My life is what He wants it to be.  I’m sorry people of this world, I am currently unemployed and I am not a student at the moment.  You may think my life is going nowhere and I am ruining my life. 
But my hope is not in having a “good life”, my hope is living a life that is a sweet fragrance to my King. 

I am enough, because he is far more than enough. 

What lies are you letting hold you back from what Jesus has for you, today?