“After this Jesus went away to the other side of the Sea of Galilee, which is the Sea of Tiberias. And a large crowd was following him, because they saw the signs that he was doing on the sick. Jesus went up on the mountain, and there he sat down with his disciples. Now the Passover, the feast of the Jews, was at hand. Lifting up his eyes, then, and seeing that a large crowd was coming toward him, Jesus said to Philip, “Where are we to buy bread, so that these people may eat?” He said this to test him, for he himself knew what he would do. Philip answered him, “Two hundred denarii worth of bread would not be enough for each of them to get a little.” One of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, said to him, “There is a boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish, but what are they for so many?” Jesus said, “Have the people sit down.” Now there was much grass in the place. So the men sat down, about five thousand in number. Jesus then took the loaves, and when he had given thanks, he distributed them to those who were seated. So also the fish, as much as they wanted. And when they had eaten their fill, he told his disciples, “Gather up the leftover fragments, that nothing may be lost.” So they gathered them up and filled twelve baskets with fragments from the five barley loaves left by those who had eaten. When the people saw the sign that he had done, they said, “This is indeed the Prophet who is to come into the world!”
I’m constantly preaching to myself, and making sure I believe that I truly am enough. I am enough for my husband and for the ministry I’m in. I’m enough for my friends and for my family. Who I am is enough.
I’m starting to question that. I’m wondering if allowing myself to believe who I am enough is not causing me more stress and anxiety.
If I am enough than I could do all the things I’m supposed to do. I could fulfill all of my husband’s wants and needs. He would never need to do anything else because I am enough.
If I am enough my family would understand my love for them and know that I am always there for them even when I’m far away, because I am enough.
If I am enough than I would always know that my body is beautiful and I would never believe lies about myself, because I am enough.
If I am enough than I would always feel competent at my job and know that I’m making an impact because I am enough.
All of those things leave me dry because I’m trying so hard to be “enough.” I’m trying to live up to expectations that are unrealistic.
When Jesus feeds the five thousand they have five loaves of bread and two fish. What does he do? He says “give me what you have”. After everyone eats, all five thousand of them, they have leftovers. They have more than enough, they are overflowing.
I am starting to realize that I was never meant to be enough. Jesus is asking me to give him what I have and he will do the rest. He is the one that is enough, not me. I can be the person Jesus has called me to be, but, it will never be able to fill the people around me because that is not my job. My husband is supposed to fill himself by going to the Lord, my family is supposed to rely on the knowledge of Christ to get them through the day, my friends are supposed to trust the heavenly power of Jesus to bring them to redemption. I am not the savior of the world, Jesus is. I can work my hardest at my job, but at the end of the day I am not the one who carries the ministry, Jesus is.
I think it’s time for me to let go of being enough, maybe it’s time for you to let it go, too. I’m ready to trust Jesus again, I’m ready to have twelve baskets full of leftovers from my fives loaves of bread. I’m ready for Jesus to take the small amount of hope and joy and love that I have in me and multiply it to extend to thousands of people. I think it’s okay if we let go, I think it’s okay if we disappoint people and say no sometimes, because we don’t have to fill everyone all the time. We can just be and know that Jesus truly has fulfilled every desire inside of us. It is exhausting trying to always enough.
“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
I can let go of being enough, and know that I’m not and that is okay.