I stood crying in the kitchen with my open wound and hers just beginning to be revealed.
“I just want to be someone’s number one,” she said, her eyes full of pain and unmet expectations of what this world would be. Her words were an echo of my own just weeks before.
“You need to understand though, that isn’t part of your future husbands job,” I said.
I had only recently realized this same thing, and now I was having to rip open my heart and share it.
All of my life I have felt second best. The who and the why are too personal and too raw to share at this moment in time. I have had this irrational fear that my husband would cheat on me. I fought the lie that he would choose to marry me and then one day find someone better than me in every way and leave me. I believed I was not worth staying for, not worth the final choice. I believed I was not enough, and never would be.
The enemy has done a very good job at deceiving my heart. My thoughts are not prone to believe good things about myself. It is hard to believe that I’m beautiful and it’s very hard for me to accept compliments that are genuine. The enemy has taught me to hate myself. He has taught me to believe the lie of my heart that I am second best. He has taught me that even though I’ve already been chosen by both Jesus, my Redeemer, and by my earthly husband, that it is somehow a trick, somehow not true.
I have a memory from high school when a junior guy I liked somehow liked me back. My best friend called me, as it was her boyfriend’s best friend, and it was like the coolest thing that ever happened to me.
Then they revealed to me that it was joke, that he in fact did not like me.
I was a joke.
That lie was etched into my heart. I was so ugly it was funny that someone would find me attractive.
As I grew up I started to believe that once I was married I would feel beautiful and loved because, well, I was married. Wasn’t that the ultimate goal, anyway?
I would be someone’s first choice, finally.
I stand here today, married a year, to tell you that is a lie. If you feel like you’re not enough now, you will feel like you’re not enough in your marriage. You will constantly feel insecure or that you have to earn the love of your husband so you don’t lose it.
Feeling second best, not enough, ugly, gross, insecure– all of it is a heart problem. It is an issue of the heart that only Jesus can mend and fix and fill to the brim. Only the truth of the gospel can bring the lies to the light and oh, you must purge those lies that have become truth to you.
God’s love is not a fragmented love that can be easily displaced or moved. His love cannot be moved. He cannot be moved.
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
Your husband, your boyfriend, or your best friend, will never be able to make you feel like enough. You can try and try and try but you are going to get tired of always coming up short. Run to the Father and tell him how hurt you have been. Tell him the lies and let him reveal his truth to you. He wants so desperately for you to know what he thinks about you.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
His thoughts of you are more than your thoughts of yourself. All the bad thoughts and the good– His thoughts outnumber them all.