Sometimes I have moments, moments that are raw, ugly, and scream-filled. I cry and yell out to the Father and my heart swims in frustration and confusion. Attacks come from all angles, and my heart is overwhelmed with all the things I should be doing or haven’t done yet. My one desire is to be looked at by someone and somehow they know I love Jesus. I want my love for Christ to be so evident that is seeps from my pores. I want the radiance of Christ to be my shield. I want my actions to be above reproach and I want my conduct to represent the Father.
But I never seem to get there, I always seem to fall short, to look more like the world than Christ, and in moments like these it frustrates me to the point of yelling, screaming, and crying to the Lord. Begging him to make me look like Him because I hate this world and what it turns people into, I hate all its flashy lights and it’s materialism that I so easily get so sucked into.
I want to be a good friend, someone who is intentional and caring and allows each person grace to be fully themselves, but somehow I fall short of that as well. I don’t make the calls I should, or I sleep instead of Skype. I move along in my life sometimes forgetting the people whom I love in states far away. I never write the letters I intend to and most calls go unreturned. My heart is for them, but my actions do not represent that.
I want to be a good mentor but time is never on my side and neither is my heart. How can I teach when I myself am still learning all too much for me to comprehend.
I want to be a good sister and daughter but my selfishness moves me further and further away from their hearts and I end up hurting them instead of serving them.
All of these things I cannot do adequately, and I always feel less than good enough because I’m always falling short, always falling short of the expectations I have put on myself, and there it is, the issue. I have placed expectations on myself that are unrealistic and detrimental to my whole being. If I were living according to grace I would not feel overwhelmed or less than enough because It would be Christ in me, not myself.
I cried out to the lord to give me grace;
“You already have it, beloved.”
ah, yes, of course I do. It has always been mine but I have been so blinded by my own expectations of how perfect I should be I couldn’t see the grace staring at me from across the room, held by the prince of the peace I have been lacking.
Today I let go of my own unrealistic expectations of myself and the anxiety that has crept into my veins causing each moment to resemble walking on egg shells.
I want to be like Christ, and that is not a request he will deny. I am not perfect, but He is. (Matthew 6:33)