//Before you start reading anything, watch this video. //
Recently, i’ve become a lot like Kayden when it comes to God. Everything that happens, everything I do, my heart races and my hands flap and my mouth is wide when I scream “WOW”. The name of Jesus has become the sweetest name i’ve ever known and every time I hear it one of two things happen; I have tears pool in my eyes begging to escape down my cheeks or a smile stretches far across my cheeks to the point of ridiculousness. Both of these things cause me to look a little bit crazy, but most of the time I am not aware of anything else around me. It doesn’t matter where I am or what’s happening around me; If I see his goodness or sense something I didn’t before my whole body reacts. Everything is turned into a blessing and thankfulness is a constant thought in my head. My heart overflows and most of the time I have no idea how to react so, like Kayden, I run in circles and flap my arms, because what kind of response do you have to a King who provides for your every need and loves you to the depth of your being and beyond? There is no appropriate response, so if you see me flapping around, just let me be, and maybe you can flap too.
A couple months ago the hymn “Come Thou Fount” played in my spotify playlist and I think for the first time my heart responded to it. I started to pray that God would tune my heart to sing his grace at all times. I wanted my heart to be tuned into who he was, I wanted to always react to Him. I also started asking God to show me the things I was doing that were not appropriate for a woman of faith. Of course he started pointing out certain aspects of myself I always did but never really thought about; My constant complaining about work, or the way I do not think before I speak. The laziness I hold in helping my mom around the house, or the grudges I had deeply rooted that I never got rid of. I could go on and on about all the ways i’m not perfect, but instead of going head first into fixing these issues I just ran faster into Jesus. I’ve slowly learned over the years that I cannot fix myself, and if I want to be a woman of great faith than I must look to the God who is that faith. I cannot make myself stop complaining because it’s a heart issue. I cannot bring myself to stop being lazy, It’s a heart issue. I cannot stop myself from holding grudges, It’s a heart issue.
Every thing I do that isn’t lining up with the Spirit is because my heart is in the wrong place, and how do I fix my own heart? I don’t. The only one capable of changing hearts is God, so I must run faster and faster towards him and when I spend time with him, I learn to be like him, and when I learn to be like him, my heart softens to the things around me and I am able to see myself through his eyes and he is able to walk me through all of the things I want to fix to glorify him. I don’t want to be a woman of faith to impress people, or to get a husband, or to be better than my friends. I want to be a woman of faith because it glorifies God, because it lets out a sweet aroma to others around me that lead them back to him, because I feel most beautiful, and most myself when i’m wrapped up in Him.
This joy didn’t just come out of the blue. it’s always been there, it’s always been there for me to grasp, i just needed to tap into my Father. To tap into my beloved, to come to him, to love him, to want him. This joy is nothing I have mustered, because If it were up to me, i’d be angry and annoyed all the time. Trust me, I still get frustrated and I still complain, but I catch myself, and I’m aware and then I realize how beautiful my God is. How beautiful is grace is, How amazing his rain is.
My joy is not contingent on my circumstances because my circumstances are not my God.
My God is beautiful, powerful, awesome, and bold.
He is dangerous and terrifying.
My heart overflows with his goodness.
I am His.
He has called me his.
As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness;
when I awake, I shall be satisfied
with your likeness.