Recently I was listening to a good friend talk about her potential relationship and she said something I initially brushed off.
When I heard that I thought she was being a little ridiculous, it’s not a bad thing to be thought of as beautiful, and to not want to be even noticed for that is silly.
But as I sat in my bed last night I realized I understood what she way saying;
she wants someone to see her and truly know her, her as a person, and not just a women
I’m not playing the victim here, half of what happened was my fault, but the aftermath still hurts. I have been feeling so raw and helpless recently because I allowed what this guy did to me to define bits of me, without even realizing it. I didn’t know that it really did anything to me, to my worth, to my heart, but it did and I found myself asking The Father what he thought of me.
There is something spectacular about someone knowing intimate places of you that you hide, and still choosing you.
When you have no makeup on and you are still thought of as beautiful.
When the only thing you can do is cry and they choose to hold you instead of scold you.
When all of a sudden your act is down and they still see you as someone they want to know.
Being known and loved simultaneously is the only thing I crave, and it’s actually the only thing I really have.
I’m beginning to understand more of why The Father looks at the heart and not at the outside, why the proverbs woman is so admired, why Jesus loved those who didn’t seem lovable. He accepted them because he knew their hearts, he saw them fully as they were, no mask, no act, but raw and wide open.
1 Samuel 16:7
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.
Jesus said to her, “Go, call your husband, and come here.” The woman answered him, “I have no husband.” Jesus said to her, “You are right in saying, ‘I have no husband’; for you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband. What you have said is true.”
I desire relationships that allow authenticity, that allow each person to fully be themselves and still fully be loved. I desire The Father to teach me how to be more like him in that way, I also desire to continue to seek his face because I know that face is the only one with eyes that look at me and do not see me as anything other than his Beloved. No lustful thoughts, no expectations, no judgment, no gossip, no slander, just acceptance.
“Perhaps it is no wonder that the women were first at the Cradle and last at the Cross. They had never known a man like this Man – there never has been such another. A prophet and teacher who never nagged at them, never flattered or coaxed or patronized; who never made arch jokes about them, never treated them either as “The women, God help us!” or “The ladies, God bless them!”; who rebuked without querulousness and praised without condescension; who took their questions and arguments seriously; who never mapped out their sphere for them, never urged them to be feminine or jeered at them for being female; who had no axe to grind and no uneasy male dignity to defend; who took them as he found them and was completely unself-conscious. There is no act, no sermon, no parable in the whole Gospel that borrows its pungency from female perversity; nobody could possibly guess from the words and deeds of Jesus that there was anything “funny” about woman’s nature.”
-Dorothy L. Sayers