No one has ever seen God; the only God, who is at the Father’s side,
I had a small breakdown yesterday evening to where I just laid on my living room floor and cried. I eventually called Hannah, and in-between ragged breaths asked her to pray for me. My heart was tired and all I could do was lay there and cry. All I wanted to do was lay there and cry because I was tired of fighting, I was exhausted because I was trying to be enough for people, I was trying to justify myself over and over again so they wouldn’t think I was wasting my time.
“I don’t want to be here anymore.”
“I’m wasting my time.”
“I’m not doing anything.”
“God is not moody or capricious.He knows no seasons of change.He has a single relentless stance toward us: He loves us.”
I keep getting the same questions since I’ve been home; and they have nothing to do with my trip.
“So what are you doing now?”
“Are you working, are you going to school?”
I know these questions are asked out of good intent and curiosity, but each of their faces after I answer these questions are what haunt me.
“I’m working with the youth at Lockwood.”
“I’m not working or going to school right now.”
As soon as I tell them I am currently not in school or working I’m out, they write me off and their faces show their disappointment in me, I am not being a productive member to society and I will never make it in life If i cannot support myself.
The expectations they have for my life allow for lies to seep into any small crack in my armor.
“I’m not doing anything.”
As I lay here this morning with no job to get to, and no classes to study for, I’m thankful.
I’m thankful I have time to drench my soul in the word, constantly.
I’m thankful I can sit and have lunch with my dad.
I’m thankful I can take my sister out for bike rides, and for ice cream dates.
I’m thankful I can go to the youth sleepover tonight because I dont have to wake up for work the next morning.
I’m thankful that his calling is enough.
Not even his calling, HIM.
I’m so thankful that he and his fullness represent me. That I do not have to justify myself because He alone is my justification. My life is what He wants it to be. I’m sorry people of this world, I am currently unemployed and I am not a student at the moment. You may think my life is going nowhere and I am ruining my life.
But my hope is not in having a “good life”, my hope is living a life that is a sweet fragrance to my King.
I am enough, because he is far more than enough.
What lies are you letting hold you back from what Jesus has for you, today?