Recently, I’ve been having dream after dream, night after night of my engagement, or my marriage. In each scenario, we begin absolutely in love; we are excited of our possible future, children, and love. He believes we will love each other forever, that he will be able to love me, forever. Now, this is when the dream starts to turn on its tail. My head starts to turn and I begin to panic. This relationship will NOT last. Our love will not last forever. Our relationship cannot last forever. My mind swirls with different arguments that could potentially be had by the two of us, arguments that we can never bounce back from. He will marry me and find out I’m not who he thought I was, I’m ugly, I’m messy, and I’m not as holy as he thought I was, I mess up a lot more. I either break off our engagement or I run out on my marriage, finding it better to turn away before future hurt can creep in, hurt that hasn’t even peaked out from behind the door yet, made up hurt. Quit while we’re still ahead.
Day after day I mess up, and day after day, God forgives me. Each moment when my sin veers its ugly head, God crushes it. Jesus whispers truths of holiness, forgiveness, and purity. I believe it right now. I believe in His love right now, but what about when I’m 55 and I’m still sinning? What about when I’m a mom and mess up with my kids? What if I yell at my husband and hurt him instead of loving him? What if I’m not perfect?
That is what it comes down to. What if I’m never perfect? What if after all this time in my life I never become the perfect wife, lover, friend, sister, mom, daughter? What if I always mess up and I always hurt people? Do I truly believe Jesus’s sacrifice has covered all my sin or just the ones right now? Do I believe that he will eventually get tired of forgiving me and finally leave me? I think that’s what my actions have been showing lately. I’ve been doing whatever I want with the thought in the back of my mind; “Maybe this will make him see how sick I really am and he will finally leave.” Because you know what, I can accept forgiveness once, but not every day, over and over, for the same thing, for the rest of my life. And if he leaves, I can believe the lie in my head that I’m really not worth it. I’m not worth that forgiveness because I never learn; I’m not worth that second chance because I already messed up the first. I’m not worth a beautiful baby girl with her daddy’s eyes and my nose because I’ll just screw her up. I’m not worth a Godly, loving, honorable man because I’m not worth being pursued.
These ugly truth’s creep wholeheartedly into my mind and they sink they’re grimy claws real deep in there. On my bad days, I believe them, and I sulk around with the thought that every single person that sees this side of me will leave me, because who wants to deal with that? Who wants to love that?
“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
I have a greater love than the love that is weak and folly and of this world. I do not need to be perfect because He is perfect. He died so that I could LIVE. Where I lack he is full. My husband will marry me not because I’m perfect, but because Christ is perfect and He loves me. My children will love me because Christ loves them perfectly. It is never me, and it is always him.
When I become inward focused and start to marginalize all my sin, all my failures, all my mess-ups, I take my eyes off Jesus, and I begin to sink. I begin to realize that it was never about me and it has always been about him. That my life looks nothing like me and everything like him. That I could rob a bank but he would still be glorified in some way. God is bigger than our failures and good intentions. He is bigger than our sin because he has conquered it, along with death. My God is not myself, my sin, or my triumphs. This life is about more than my sin, it’s about his glory.
What do you need to take your eyes off of so you can focus on Jesus?