A little bit lost, a little bit broken.

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I write this while laying comfortably in my bed while listening to music on Spotify, a completely different atmosphere that I am not used to writing in. 
I’m going to be extremely honest and say I’ve probably cried at random times every day since I’ve been home. My heart is broken and a little bit lost. I was not aware of how hard coming home would  hit me, I did not realize I’d wish I was not here. I feel guilty saying that, I feel guilty wishing I was back in Ireland, or Malawi with my team and with nothing but God.  My team-mate and amazing friend Sarah told us once; “This is the free-est we will ever be, we need to take advantage and be thankful for this right now.”
I didn’t take those words into my heart like I should have.  I took for granted the simple, beautiful, and breath-taking life of living in a way that was only dependent on The Father. The fact that I have every thing I need, and especially the things I don’t need at my finger tips makes my stomach hurt.  It makes me so sad that I wake up in the morning and I don’t first reach for my bible, but my phone. How easy it is to fall right back into “real life”. But that Is not real life.  God did not call us or me to that life. He has told me to abandon everything, to choose him above all, to love him above anyone else. That is what I’m going to do, I don’t care if I’m in Africa or I’m in America, my heart will never stop being abandoned to my Father because I cannot even fathom being that separated from him.  My every bone cries out to Jesus, constantly asking more. 
As I hold my Iphone instead of the hands of my team, I cry out to Jesus asking him to bring me into this new season gently, because my heart isn’t ready, I thought it was, but is far from it.  

 

Current world racers, don’t take what you have for granted, take in what’s around you, even if you are craving chick-fil-a or your mom’s hug, look at what you have right now because you will never have it again. 

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To my team; I miss you women more and more as the days go by, I don’t know how to live life without you right now, but I’m trying. 

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To my squad: I miss worshipping with you, not only in music, but in life. 

To my friends and family here, in America: Be gracious with me as I step back into this life, I’m sorry if I seem distant or tired.  I am both. I am growing back Into this place. 

 

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3 thoughts on “A little bit lost, a little bit broken.

  1. Paul said that he learned to be content tn all circumstances, whether abased or abundant. I think abundant is often harder than abased because we have choices other than to rely only on God. Set your mind on Christ alone. Hold on tight. He will never let you go!

  2. Stop making me cry! … for real though, so true. I feel the same way. I feel like I’m slowly dying inside – but that’s just a lie. God is just as real in America as He was in the dirt roads of Malawi.

    love you.
    praying for you.
    ❤ liz

  3. Hey baby girl…I love you. I am sorry you are hurting, but so very grateful you have seen what life can be like. Keep clinging tightly to Abba, Daddy…He’s the only way through this life anyway. But I KNOW you already know this. Give yourself grace honey. You will figure this out. You and He have this…I promise-d

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